I sometimes feel alone. Standing in a crowd, talking to people about things that I enjoy.. it feels lonely sometimes. I don’t really know why, but this happens often.
As I write, I’m supposed to be studying Digital Circuits for a mid-semester examination and really don’t feel like it. I get bored easily too. I want to write and I’m listening to the Weeknd on YouTube and feeling as though I’m just going through the motions till I finish up and go to sleep. I’ll wake up tomorrow sometime around 10:00, miss breakfast, have a cup of tea and a morning cigarette. Wonder why I’m making my lungs blacker every day, lament and again not give a fuck about it.
One of my friends asked me why I smoke. I don’t assign any meaning to it. I don’t assign meaning to many things, life included. Nihilism is not caring much about anything because we really don’t matter on the cosmic scale, being born only to die. I don’t think that way either. I’d rather enjoy and assign meaning to the things I enjoy than wonder about such existential crises. I smoke because it helps me cope and clear my head. We all gotta die anyway, why die with regrets and a lack of material pleasure?
I want to stop. Stop everything. Stop smoking, saving money, going on ganjaa trips and whatnot. I wanna stop putting in an effort to satisfy my weak emotions; I feel so much, so little so everything.
Being a so called ‘popular’ guy with everything on track, academics, social life and feeding my interests.. it seems unlikely I would be such an asshole writing depressed ass shit like this. Emotions lol, fuck them. I wanna stop them. I kinda liked a girl whom I felt reciprocated the emotion (liking me back). I made a couple of bold moves and tried showing her my affections as best as I could. I was her friend too so I thought it would be an easy rejection and things would move on smoothly if I were wrong. She ended up avoiding me and I didn’t really understand it. I went into my shell and smiled outside while smoking and making myself blacker inside.
I don’t really feel much for her anymore as a friend or otherwise but the memory still stings. I’m the one who avoids her. No eye contact, no Hi’s either. I didn’t smoke before but now I do. Can’t see an end to it at present. Smoke is pretty aesthetic too, the way it dances and disappears like an angel in the wind. It temporarily makes me blind to everything and I love the way it dances and just.. ends up a part of the wind, leaving behind a light headed, black lunged me.
Tea and cigarettes are a match made in heaven. Not really healthy, smoking, but damn it, it does help me out. I don’t think I would consider myself an addict but when I borrow money to smoke and not use my savings, I wonder about it.
I’m surrounded by all kind of people, the kind of perks a ‘popular’ guy has. There are smokers around me, there are people living a more ideal lifestyle as well. Some who are into everything and come on top, those who don’t do anything and still sink to the bottom, wasting their lives in books and dreams of becoming ‘money-men’. I don’t know many people like me, I do connect with a few people on a different level though.
The term ‘best friend’ lost its meaning and value to me when one such ‘best friend’ ignored me and focused more on his ‘new friend circle’ (long time ago *class 6). I had another friend who was reviled for her looks (petty school time) and I indulged in it too, distancing myself from her. I apologised to her by the end of school but the damage had already been done and I don’t really see us becoming anything other than the casual ‘friendly acquaintance’ now. Damn it. I was bullied and in turn bullied her.
While walking toward the smoke joint today, one of my ‘close friends’ decided to play music of my choice and all was pretty cool till the cigarette began and I started looking at the heavenly gray angels dance. So beautiful. I finished a bit early and my mood was pretty much like this till I walked back, took another short walk and sat down to study (*write).
I’m done looking at angels dance because angels don’t go into thin air when they appear. I’ll still watch them as long as their dance makes me happy for but a bittersweet moment.
Water of the Skies 